FANDREW

I did play tennis for 12 years, I just wasn’t very good. Once, I was beat by a kid who had two broken arms. His coach had to come out and throw the ball up for him so he could serve.

1. You’re in trouble with Mom if she grabs your ear or neck — see what it did to me?
2. If Papa says, “Very good there,” then you’ve said/done something funny and he is about to take a picture of it.
3. You must compare SAT scores/your college’s ranking/difficulty of major as soon as a quorum of Rossis is reached.
4. If Mom asks you, “Do you want to get your hair cut?” it isn’t a question. It means, “Get in the car, you’re getting a haircut.”
5. If you’re meeting Dad for lunch at The Youngstown Club, you shouldn’t be dressed like you’re going to Friday’s.
6. If you drink water from a hotel minibar, the rest of the vacation will be miserable and you’ll be called ungrateful at least three times.
7. Don’t tell Dad a secret, as he runs a Warren-area gossip blog that focuses only on the private details of his kids’ lives.
8. If you meet somebody from Warren, you have to introduce yourself as “XXX Rossi, but we don’t own the funeral home.”
9. We live in a bizarro world where driving a Buick Lucerne is awesome and we let everybody know it.
10. You expect to wake up every morning to an omelette bar with any fixings you want (i.e. prosciutto, rosemary and gruyere).
11. Even if you’re 28, you can’t watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles without an adult who covers characters’ mouths onscreen when they swear.

If it became Live with Neil Patrick Harris and Kelly, I would quit my job. I would become a lunatic.

I would kick my grandmother in the face for a Shake Shack burger.

• I’m telling the office that I’m trapped on a runaway hot air balloon. But, I’m really just going to be hiding in this box under my desk.

• Who hasn’t misplaced a kid in a giant homemade balloon? It’s not like you can say, ‘Hey storm, I can’t chase you, I have to watch this kid.’

• I keep thinking about that time I got sick at school and my mom brought me to the local news station to vomit on TV, twice.

• I guess my parents don’t love me enough to pretend I was trapped on a runaway hot air balloon so I could throw up in front of Meredith Vieira.

• Jon and Kate have eight kids and they never once let them go hot air ballooning on their own. Jon probably would, for a cool Ed Hardy tee.

(via Twitter)

Alyssa: Can’t Child Services take Balloon Boy away from his terrible parents?

Andrew: Isn’t that what Wife Swap is?

I don’t think it’s embarrassing that you wrote a Beanie Baby newsletter when you were 10, I think it’s embarrassing that — if Beanie Babies were still popular — you would do the exact same thing today.

–To Alyssa

To Alyssa: He likes watching Glee? So, your boyfriend’s gay, so is mine, no big deal.

Can you please not call me and tell me that you’re ‘tweaking’ your ’stuff’?

Alyssa: You got an iPhone?

Andrew: Yes, I wanted to be douchier.