FANDREW

September 9, 2009

iDouche

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 8:21 am

Alyssa: You got an iPhone?

Andrew: Yes, I wanted to be douchier.

September 8, 2009

A Shot at Death

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 10:16 am

Sally: What happened to Tila Tequila?

Andrew: Her boyfriend got arrested for strangling her.

Sally: Oh my god!

Andrew: And the worst part is, she’s not dead.

July 29, 2009

He’s More of a Cannibal Than a Vampire

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 5:42 pm

I’m more of a body of Christ fan, I’m not so much a blood of Christ fan. I’m a diabetic, so there are various complications.

–On Communion

June 23, 2009

Josh, Meet Josh

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 2:35 pm

Josh: Why is it that I talk to myself?
Andrew: …Are you asking yourself that?

June 22, 2009

Maybe Sally Just Really Likes “Office Space”

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 8:58 am

The word “tchotchkes” reminds me of Sally’s house and I’ve never even been there.

June 19, 2009

Pantyhose and Scrunchie Socks Are Pretty Romantic

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 2:39 pm

Matt and I go to Hooters on Valentine’s Day, we go there on each other’s birthdays…

June 15, 2009

Do They Have Those at Pax?

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 10:56 am

Andrew: @kirstiealley is so annoying. She’s always like, “I’m working 18-hour days.” And it’s like, doing what?

Alyssa: Petting lemurs.

Andrew: And by “petting,” you mean, “massaging them like they do kobe beef, so she can eat them in a lemur club sandwich.”

June 10, 2009

Other Than Himself, Of Course…

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 3:15 pm

Halle Berry is my favorite diabetic from Ohio.

June 9, 2009

Maria’s iPhone Is Like a Vital Organ

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 3:12 pm

How come you get more upset when I make fun of your iPhone than when I make fun of you for having one kidney?

June 5, 2009

These Could Probably Be Flashbacks from “Lost”

Filed under: Uncategorized — alyssa @ 9:41 am

Catherine: I feel very good about the word “bonkers.”…I feel less good about the word “bananas,” but that’s only because it makes me think of “Hollaback Girl,” which makes me think of Labor Day 2007 when I was in a cab with several girlfriends listening to that song while going to the Lighthouse in Dewey Beach and our cab driver opened up his glove compartment and he had a gun in it.

Andrew: Oh, well that’s fair.  Catherine also doesn’t like the word “marmalade” because she was one time on a date with a gentleman who turned out to be the kingpin of an Argentinian drug ring.  After she found out, he burned off her eyebrows with hot wax and sent her into a 9-month term as a white slaver in Detroit.  On the plane ride to Motor City, Continental played “Lady Marmalade” on their Top 40 Mix Channel.  So if somebody offers her marmalade it isn’t a problem, but if they pronounce it “mar-ma-laaaad,” she gets really angry.

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