Alyssa: You got an iPhone?
Andrew: Yes, I wanted to be douchier.
September 9, 2009
September 8, 2009
A Shot at Death
Sally: What happened to Tila Tequila?
Andrew: Her boyfriend got arrested for strangling her.
Sally: Oh my god!
Andrew: And the worst part is, she’s not dead.
July 29, 2009
He’s More of a Cannibal Than a Vampire
I’m more of a body of Christ fan, I’m not so much a blood of Christ fan. I’m a diabetic, so there are various complications.
–On Communion
June 23, 2009
Josh, Meet Josh
Josh: Why is it that I talk to myself?
Andrew: …Are you asking yourself that?
June 22, 2009
Maybe Sally Just Really Likes “Office Space”
The word “tchotchkes” reminds me of Sally’s house and I’ve never even been there.
June 19, 2009
June 15, 2009
Do They Have Those at Pax?
Andrew: @kirstiealley is so annoying. She’s always like, “I’m working 18-hour days.” And it’s like, doing what?
Andrew: And by “petting,” you mean, “massaging them like they do kobe beef, so she can eat them in a lemur club sandwich.”
June 10, 2009
June 9, 2009
Maria’s iPhone Is Like a Vital Organ
How come you get more upset when I make fun of your iPhone than when I make fun of you for having one kidney?
June 5, 2009
These Could Probably Be Flashbacks from “Lost”
Catherine: I feel very good about the word “bonkers.”…I feel less good about the word “bananas,” but that’s only because it makes me think of “Hollaback Girl,” which makes me think of Labor Day 2007 when I was in a cab with several girlfriends listening to that song while going to the Lighthouse in Dewey Beach and our cab driver opened up his glove compartment and he had a gun in it.
Andrew: Oh, well that’s fair. Catherine also doesn’t like the word “marmalade” because she was one time on a date with a gentleman who turned out to be the kingpin of an Argentinian drug ring. After she found out, he burned off her eyebrows with hot wax and sent her into a 9-month term as a white slaver in Detroit. On the plane ride to Motor City, Continental played “Lady Marmalade” on their Top 40 Mix Channel. So if somebody offers her marmalade it isn’t a problem, but if they pronounce it “mar-ma-laaaad,” she gets really angry.