Alyssa: You got an iPhone?
Andrew: Yes, I wanted to be douchier.
Andrew: Her boyfriend got arrested for strangling her.
Sally: Oh my god!
Andrew: And the worst part is, she’s not dead.
I’m more of a body of Christ fan, I’m not so much a blood of Christ fan. I’m a diabetic, so there are various complications.
Josh: Why is it that I talk to myself?
Andrew: …Are you asking yourself that?
Andrew: @kirstiealley is so annoying. She’s always like, “I’m working 18-hour days.” And it’s like, doing what?
Andrew: And by “petting,” you mean, “massaging them like they do kobe beef, so she can eat them in a lemur club sandwich.”
How come you get more upset when I make fun of your iPhone than when I make fun of you for having one kidney?
Catherine: I feel very good about the word “bonkers.”…I feel less good about the word “bananas,” but that’s only because it makes me think of “Hollaback Girl,” which makes me think of Labor Day 2007 when I was in a cab with several girlfriends listening to that song while going to the Lighthouse in Dewey Beach and our cab driver opened up his glove compartment and he had a gun in it.
Andrew: Oh, well that’s fair. Catherine also doesn’t like the word “marmalade” because she was one time on a date with a gentleman who turned out to be the kingpin of an Argentinian drug ring. After she found out, he burned off her eyebrows with hot wax and sent her into a 9-month term as a white slaver in Detroit. On the plane ride to Motor City, Continental played “Lady Marmalade” on their Top 40 Mix Channel. So if somebody offers her marmalade it isn’t a problem, but if they pronounce it “mar-ma-laaaad,” she gets really angry.
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