FANDREW

1. You’re in trouble with Mom if she grabs your ear or neck — see what it did to me?
2. If Papa says, “Very good there,” then you’ve said/done something funny and he is about to take a picture of it.
3. You must compare SAT scores/your college’s ranking/difficulty of major as soon as a quorum of Rossis is reached.
4. If Mom asks you, “Do you want to get your hair cut?” it isn’t a question. It means, “Get in the car, you’re getting a haircut.”
5. If you’re meeting Dad for lunch at The Youngstown Club, you shouldn’t be dressed like you’re going to Friday’s.
6. If you drink water from a hotel minibar, the rest of the vacation will be miserable and you’ll be called ungrateful at least three times.
7. Don’t tell Dad a secret, as he runs a Warren-area gossip blog that focuses only on the private details of his kids’ lives.
8. If you meet somebody from Warren, you have to introduce yourself as “XXX Rossi, but we don’t own the funeral home.”
9. We live in a bizarro world where driving a Buick Lucerne is awesome and we let everybody know it.
10. You expect to wake up every morning to an omelette bar with any fixings you want (i.e. prosciutto, rosemary and gruyere).
11. Even if you’re 28, you can’t watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles without an adult who covers characters’ mouths onscreen when they swear.

If it became Live with Neil Patrick Harris and Kelly, I would quit my job. I would become a lunatic.

I would kick my grandmother in the face for a Shake Shack burger.